A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”

Indians They Ain’t
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day.
They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

He’s Crafty
Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes.
"I can never fool my wife," the first complained.
"I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom.
But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied.
"I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask,
’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."

It’s a Great Time to Be Silver!
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s.
His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer.
He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was.
She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.
Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left.
The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
The nurse ran over and put a pill ow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.
After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"
"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

Fatal Attraction
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun.
But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

Eat Your Heart Out, Plato
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him…is he still wrong?

Polly don’t want crackers
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest.
"I have two talking female parrots," she tells him.
"All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"
"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem.
I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible.
If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots,
who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

Colours
Did you hear about the new paint color that’s coming out?
It’s called blonde.
It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Slashing the budget
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.
"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.
"Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

Tooth hurts
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons.
"If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.
The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised.
The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

Blood Group

Two Choices:

What would you do? .....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do; where is the natural order of things in my son?' The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first base man's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitchers intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-base man's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay; run to third!' As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Outside and Inside of a card

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

We have been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

Are you Logical?

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate.

But if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity !

I was born intelligent.
Education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect.
So why practise ?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for ?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word ?

Money is not everything.
There are also MasterCard & Visa !

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two or more.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry, they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

Your future depends on your dreams.
So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning

They say hard work never killed anybody.
But why take the risk ?

Work fascinates me ….
I can look at it for hours

God made relatives.
Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know.
The more you know, the more you forget.
The more you forget, the less you know.
So ….... why learn ?

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
What more can I say ?

Indians They Ain’t
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day.
They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

He’s Crafty
Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes.
"I can never fool my wife," the first complained.
"I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom.
But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied.
"I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask,
’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."

An EXCELLENT lesson in Business

Indian Business School Lesson 1

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"
Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."
Son: "Well, in that case... OK"

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.

Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... OK"

Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... OK"

And that my friends is how to do business in India.

---

I LOVE this doctor!!!!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Wan t to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger!!!!!!. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate inthe other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

---

Indian Fisherman...

---

OLDER AND DEFINITELY WISER

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

22 September 2007...